After 21 years together and almost 18 years of marriage, our divorce was final on June 6th, 2022. We separated in April of 2021. I took a one-year vow of celibacy because I didn’t want to hop into the same exact relationship again. I wanted to learn from my mistakes before attempting another relationship.
Once we were officially divorcing, I went on a major high. I felt free. I painted my walls and decorated the way I wanted. I spent a lot of time at the beach. I slept less and less. I went on 6 am hikes with friends. I felt fantastic!
Then 2022 hit along with suicidal depression. Ends up I was manic – I swear I’m always the last one to know. A lithium increase and an antidepressant switch got me stable again, but now it was time to grieve.
Fun fact about me: I thought because I initiated the divorce, I wouldn’t have to grieve. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I knew rebounding with another relationship would essentially be throwing a roadblock up to the pain of loss, but mania basically did the same thing. Grief is very patient. It will wait and wait through every avoidance tactic we attempt. But eventually, she will be heard.
I survived my childhood by disassociating and I still have a hard time crying. For years I wouldn’t let myself cry because I feared once I started, I would never stop.
Last year, I learned that I can survive indescribable anguish and that there’s a beginning, middle and end to every feeling. It would start with a heavy weight on my chest and then either I’d start sobbing or I’d call my friends until someone picked up and then I’d be able to sob.
There were two particular sobbing rounds that I can only describe as primal. I howled. My whole body shook. I felt like a wild wounded animal.
For people who cry, this may seem quite remedial. But I’m literally a human who went 10 years without crying AT ALL. So to experience these intense sobbing spells – some up to an hour-long – took a trust in myself and my psyche that I didn’t know I had.
And also trusting others to hold space for my pain. Others who had been through divorce before. Others who had been through devastating loss. Others who knew they couldn’t fix it and didn’t dare try.
I realized the end of my marriage was similar to my father’s alcoholic death – I was grieving the death of a dream. Of what could be. Of a fantasy.
My dad never got sober. My marriage never got healthy. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t change anyone but myself.
I’m sober. I’m healthy. And it’s not because I’m special, it’s because I’m willing to be uncomfortable. I’m willing to feel pain. I’m willing to take contrary action.
Going into 2023, I’m still celibate. I feel like I’m in between the middle and end of grieving. I don’t feel ready for a relationship yet. And I’m not in a hurry. I also cannot concede to the idea that it takes half as long as the relationship to recover from it. If so, I’d have another 9 years to go. Seriously?
2022 was impossible. The feelings were huge. It reminded me of my first year of sobriety – getting sober was an upheaval and a complete reevaluation of my life, but it was worth it. I can do hard things. I’m not a fan, but I can do them.
Divorce is impossible. I never thought I could do it. I never thought I could survive the feelings. The upheaval. The memories.
But it is possible. The impossible is possible.
You are amazing! You are a miracle ššššššššš
Thank you, love!
Beautifully written! Honest, insightful. and relatable.
Thank you so much!
Iām sending you strength Courtney! Clearly you will continue to take charge of your Destiny! Andy
Thank you so much, Andy. You are a light.
Yes, I am proud of you Courtney! I send you my love and keep you in my prayer. Your word are inspirational. Love ya!
I love you so much!
Very well said , and in life we can only hope we leave our relationship in love as we arrived- 2 individuals one spiritual experience- thanks for sharing- stay in the love and healthy choices- bless him and release –
Yesssssss. Thank you.
You are an incredible warrior for truth and beauty and your courage through the hellfire of pain (and so many varieties of it Court!) is so impressive to witness. I admire, adore and applaud you beautiful woman.
Thank you so much, Jane! I’ll always be your SBF.